cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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