Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
You ruined the universe
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