I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
