I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Randomize