I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
