Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
