My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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