i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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