I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
