i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
