he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
