How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
