Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
