He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
