i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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