he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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