You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
