wanna go halves on a baby?
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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