I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
