Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
