We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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