I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Randomize
