Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
