I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
