my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
