3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
