Got a toothbrush?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
