Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Randomize
