I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
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