Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
