is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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