ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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