whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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