Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
