Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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