We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
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