I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize