I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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