i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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