time to smoke my breakfast
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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