Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
