Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
