I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
i can't believe i had my finger in that
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
When did angry sex become our thing?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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