just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
