Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
