All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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