the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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