I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
