I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
