And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
