you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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