There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Boobs are out for the taking
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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