My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
you inspire me to be a worse person
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
