I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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