My sheets look like a crime scene.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize
